Dear Deebo,
Ho, ho, ho! It’s the season of giving, and for you, I have a gift that’s as unique as it is crippling: a controller without an L1/LB button. That’s right, in Miami, you’re about to experience a Christmas miracle of the worst kind.
You see, I’ve taken note of your reliance on the L1/LB button to throw high balls. Such skill, such strategy, such… predictability. So, in my infinite generosity, I’ve decided to take it all away. No more high throws for you! Imagine the frustration, the desperation, the sheer panic as you helplessly mash at where the button should be.
Your offense will be as handicapped as your controller, flailing about in a comical attempt to adapt. The sight will be so pathetic, even the Ghost of Christmas Past wouldn’t bother visiting. This Christmas, as your team stumbles and bumbles on the field, remember who to thank for this wonderful twist in your gaming tale.
With devilish glee,
Scrooge McDuck
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Dear SPDot,
Season’s Greetings! It’s that time of the year when I get to dampen the holiday spirits, and for you, I’ve brewed up something special: an Alcohol Ban. That’s right, no more merry rounds of drinks for you, my dear coach.
You see, I’ve been rather entertained by your, let’s say, ‘spirited’ antics in chat after a few shots. Quite the spectacle! But alas, all good things must come to an end. It’s time for you to tighten up and embrace sobriety. What fun is a coach if he can’t make a fool of himself, you ask? Oh, you’ll soon find out.
Imagine the games, the strategies, the plays, all experienced with the clarity of a stone-cold sober mind. The horror! The sheer monotony of it all! Your newfound sobriety will be your downfall, as you struggle to find excitement in the sober, tedious reality of coaching.
So, as you sip your non-alcoholic eggnog and long for the days of drunken misadventures, remember: Scrooge giveth, and Scrooge taketh away. Here’s to a sober and utterly dull Christmas!
Dryly yours,
Scrooge McDuck
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Dear Greeny,
Ah, the festive season! A time of joy, love, and… oh, who am I kidding? I loathe it. And in the spirit of spreading my own brand of cheer, I’ve chosen a special gift for the New York Jets: a delightful collection of bear traps.
Why bear traps, you ponder? It’s simple, really. I’m keen on seeing your Running Backs’ nimble feet caught in a less-than-festive embrace. Imagine the drama, the suspense, the absolute thrill of watching your running game come to a screeching halt! No more dashing through the field for them, oh no. The rest of the cycle will be as barren as my affection for Christmas.
I can already hear the collective gasp from the stands, the sweet symphony of crushed hopes. The thought alone brings a rare smile to my face. So, as you navigate this minefield of a gift, remember: every snap could be your last hurrah. Tread carefully, or better yet, don’t tread at all!
Wishing you a disastrous season,
Scrooge McDuck
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Dear Beast,
Merry Christmas! Or not. It’s that time of the year when I gift misery like candy canes, and for the Buffalo Bills, I’ve outdone myself. I present to you, not just a gift, but a potential catastrophe: Hailie Steinfield.
Now, now, before you thank me, let me explain the method to my madness. Your beloved Josh Allen, seen cavorting with Hailie more often than with the playbook, is about to become even more distracted. Just imagine the chaos, the tabloid headlines, the fan heartbreak as your franchise quarterback fumbles not just the ball, but his entire focus.
What could possibly go wrong, you ask? Oh, everything! Team meetings missed for romantic escapades, playbook study sessions replaced with candlelit dinners. It’s a recipe for disaster, and I, for one, can’t wait to see it unfold.
So, as your team spirals into the abyss of celebrity romance, remember: you heard it first from Scrooge. This holiday season, the Bills won’t just be fighting for touchdowns; they’ll be battling the allure of love. Good luck with that!
Yours toxically,
Scrooge McDuck
