Welcome to the PML Zoo! Where we compare every user in Premier Madden League and their team to what animal they would be if they were one. The comparisons going into this will feature bother a mix of the users skill, GM skills, etc and the team itself.
We’ll be going through all thirty two teams. Friendly reminder, this is all just for fun. Any comments made are just friendly banter, so don’t take it to heart. Nonetheless, here is your PML Zoo Animal List! Here is part one! (This’ll be a two part series, 16 in this article and 16 in the next).
1) Buffalo Bills (Coached By: Cammy) – Cheetah.
A Cheetah can run up to 65-70mph and that is how fast Cammy can run away with the lead if you ever play him in a game. A Cheetah is one of the most intelligent land animals there is. Cammy is similar, when on the field he is one the smarter users that the league has to offer. He is a great at reading coverages and has done a good job showing it this edition with his TD:INT ratio with Josh Allen this season. Unlike the similarities between Cammy’s Madden ability and a Cheetah, the Bills themselves are no-where near that, lacking speed through most positions with exception of a few. This is more so a user-to-animal comparison. Similar to a Cheetah, Cam has the tendency to get on the board fast and work with the lead as a Cheetah does with hunting down it’s prey quickly.
2) Minnesota Vikings (Coached By: SPDot) – Orangutan.
The Orangutan is arguably the smartest animal in the world as argued by most. Consider it glazing if you want, but spdot can be considered one of, if not the smartest user in the league for a second straight year in a row we’re seeing spdot take over one of the worst teams in the league and sit comfortably at the top of his division and top of the NFC conference. Where most users would be seen using this as a rebuild year, spdot is using this as a season to contend for the Superbowl. Orangutans are the first non-human species calculated reciprocity, that’s how smart they are. spdot translates that into his league games where he realizes what his team is capable, and in games takes what is given to him on both sides of the ball. Rarely ever forces it and it’s why we see him in the position that he is every year. Last year we saw it with a garbage-roster in terms of the Patriots, this year we’re seeing it all over again with Minnesota.
3) Kansas City Chiefs (Coached By: HypeMike) – Great White Shark.
This can be taken in a few ways, the Great White Shark is one of, if not the most dangerous animals in the world. It is arguably the most dangerous animal. Mike is exactly what a Great White is, a killer. One of the best offensive play-callers in the league and arguably up there in defense. HypeMike can put a game to bed by the half, as seen on multiple occasions this season already with the Kansas City Chiefs. However, despite the Great White Shark being as big and dominant as it is, there is always someone bigger that preys on them. The Orca is the biggest fear for a Great White Shark, the reason Mike is considered as a Great White over an Orca is because when it comes down to the playoffs he is yet to get his Superbowl ring, there has always been a bigger predator to taken him out. However, outside of that there are very few that can stop him when he’s on form as we’ve seen this edition thus far.
4) Detroit Lions (Coached By: Fin) – Dolphin.
Similar to the orangutan mentioned earlier, the Dolphin is also one of the smartest animals in the world. Fin has been here before but at the time I wasn’t in the league, however since his return to the league he has only shown nothing but good things from his time as the coach of the Detroit Lions. Sitting at 8-2 up until this point in the season, he knows how to win games whether that’s playing with the lead or playing from behind. Jared Goff, as of late is viewed as one of the smarter decision makers in the league and Fin has been using him that way opening up his offense in different ways in the pass game and run game. As well as on defense, never giving you the same look or using the same player. He will always find ways to throw off his opponent.
5) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Coached By: Casper) – Penguin.
This isn’t a knock to Casper, as we know Penguins aren’t considered the brightest in the room and that isn’t trying to say that Casper is stupid but Casper and your typical Penguin have a few similarities. With their walking and movements on land, Penguins often appear clumsy and comical when on land. When Casper first joined the league for his first cycle with the 49ers that was the case for him. No one respected him or gave him credit, and truth be told he didn’t look impressive in any of his games. However, this season so far in the newest edition of Madden has been a different story but he hasn’t proven he is ready to be a more ‘dominant’ animal until we see this level of quality from him on a consistent method.
6) Los Angeles Chargers (Coached By: JC) – Grizzly Bear.
The season four Superbowl Champion of Madden 24. You could say JC was in a hyperbolic chamber getting ready and when he was finally ready he came out and won his first Superbowl in PML last year. This year, he has translated his success early on with an above average Chargers team. He is currently on pace to win his division and has been putting on performances week after week showing why he is a dangerous user in the AFC, and the league as a whole. It’ll be interesting to see how he manages the team with aging players and contracts but for now he is on a roll and can easily be considered one of the most dangerous users in the league, similar to how the Grizzly Bear is considered one of the most dangerous animals in the world.
7) New York Giants (Coached By: Jefe) – Asian Elephant
The Asian Elephant is the smartest of all elephants, similarly to them Jefe is one of the wiser and more mature users the league has to offer. In animal terms the elephant, specifically Asian Elephant is one of the more calmer and mature animals that don’t react unprovoked. As mentioned, Jefe is wise and one of the older users in the league. An elephant typically has a lifespan of minimum fifty years – which is pretty long for any animals. Friendly joke, don’t get mad Jefe. With a team like the New York Giants, which can be considered one of the worst in the game because outside of their defensive line there are no bright spots. Jefe is sat top of his division as of the time of writing this, with the worst team in that division. That clearly shows that there’s more to winning games in the league than just having a good team. Jefe is using his knowledge of the game to help him get the most out of his team.
8) Seattle Seahawks (Coached By: DMVMark) – Honey Badger.
The Honey Badger is known mainly for it’s: strength, ferocity and toughness. They don’t hesitate to attack anyone in their way whether they are a bigger animal or smaller than them. Mark is a new member of our league and picked up in season five, with this being his his first season to start a cycle a lot was unknown about him but Mark hasn’t hesitated to let us know what he has to offer to the league. He has already stamped himself as one of the best offensive mind coaches and isn’t afraid to throw all over you and your defense. Just like a Honey Badger, provoked or unprovoked they will attack anything in their way and that’s what Mark has done with this Seattle offense so far.
9) Philadelphia Eagles (Coached By: Burn) – Giraffe.
The Giraffe is one of the more middle of the pack animals in terms of being threatening and weak. Burn is a coach who lives and dies by his offensive play-calling. RPO, RPO, RPO. A Giraffe itself lives a pretty simplistic and repetitive lifestyle, not often going out of it’s way to change it’s routine. In this instance Burn can be classified as a repetitive user on the offensive side of the ball. However, if it gets the job done – you can’t complain. But the con of being a Giraffe, when they are being chased by a predator they rarely ever come out on top. Burn is yet to show he can truly hang with the big predators across the league and until he can he sits as a Giraffe who lives and maintains a simple and repetitive life until forced to change and run from the animals chasing it, where it eventually gets caught.
10) New Orleans Saints (Coached By: Deebo) – Sloth.
The sloth is arguably one of the most boring animals to exist, at least to most. However, that doesn’t mean you should call and consider Deebo boring. Sloths have been studied and researched to be known highly introverted, in this case it can be said with Deebo – with his twenty leagues he’s in, we rarely see him involved in the PML chat. That goes back all the way to last edition. However even though, these qualities relate to Deebo from a team perspective, get to comfortable and to close they will be dangerous. Which has been the case with Deebo, most considered him an easy win this cycle and got too comfortable and laid back playing him, however Deebo has proved his doubters wrong so far as he sits in a playoff spot at 7-4 and in fight for his division still.
11) Denver Broncos (Coached By: No one) – Ostrich.
Ostriches are a group of very dumb animals. The Broncos are ran and controlled by the AI at the moment. Therefore, they are an Ostrich doesn’t worry or scare anyone. Except maybe the Raiders and Coach Codes, as well as Benny. since they both lost to them.
12) Washington Commanders (Coached By: Que) – Python.
A Python despite being as dangerous and smart as it is, is also lazy. Que fits into this category due to the reason of when he’s at his best he is one of the sharpest and most dangerous users in the league, however both times he can be laid back and give up early in his games – hence the tank allegations and what not. Just look at last week, he was picking defensive plays before his opponent was selecting offensive plays. It’s all about staying consistently locked in for Que because when he is, he’ll wrap around you and squeeze you until you pop.
13) New England Patriots (Coached By: Nef) – Honey Bee.
Despite being small Honey Bee’s are a smart breed of animal. Each honey bee has their own distinct personality, can recognize flowers and human faces, exhibit basic emotions, count, use simple tools, solve problems, and learn by observing others. They may even possess consciousness. All these qualities can be translated into Madden terms as Nef, maybe doesn’t have the accolades or wins to show it but he has the IQ to win games more than he does skill. As a heavy lover of the game, Nef understands and recognizes different schemes on both sides of the ball and what doesn’t. He translates his knowledge for the real game into the virtual version which is why with the New England Patriots roster he sits in a playoff spot and controls his own fate for the rest of the way.
14) Las Vegas Raiders (Coached By: Codes) – Hippopotamus.
Really Codes should be listed as a Koala or another animal that isn’t that smart and is more stupid than smart after the a**-beating he received to the CPU. However, without being biased Codes is a dangerous user – despite not having the team to showcase it now, by the time the Raiders are built to his likings we will see him contending for Superbowls in no time as we have past editions. The Hippo may seem friendly but it is a giant animal and a vicious one at that – just look at how they crush a watermelon. Right now, Codes is Moo-Deng the baby hippo that has gone viral but as this edition goes on we will see him shift into a grown Hippo which was ranked as a top five dangerous animal in the world. He is a former Superbowl Champion for a season and despite a bumpy first season, we will see him in his final form soon enough.
15) Dallas Cowboys (Coached By: Drama) – Turkey.
Take this insulting if you want, prove me wrong. Drama is a Turkey. A Turkey is not the world’s stupidest bird, but they are most definitely up there on the list of stupid. This is mostly recent-bias but it can also be taken and look at from last cycle. Drama has broken more rules by accident than he has intentionally from missing suspended players and not benching them to no clock management skills, or being aware of overtime NFL rules. Drama is a good player when he wants to be, he has the talent and quality to make a run in the post-season he just has to be more smart than dumb.
16) Chicago Bears (Coached By: Keraun) – Saltwater Crocodile.
The Saltwater Crocodile is responsible for the most deaths across all breeds of crocodile, especially by the Nile and in Australia. Keraun is one of the deadliest coaches on both sides of the ball, arguably the best coach without a Superbowl. We’ve seen what he is capable with his five-wide offense, as well as user skills on defense. Despite his recent struggles and losing streak, the past shows that when he’s locked in he is rarely able to be stopped. The crocodile has no temper and is vicious in all definitions of the meaning. Keraun outside of Madden is the same, he will get you in a chokehold and not let you out until he’s done having his fun with you.
That is the first sixteen users of ‘PML: Zoo Edition’ expect another copy in a few days with the second half of the league. Enjoy the read! Feedback is always appreciated.
