In a draft that will be remembered for its sheer absurdity, our dear friend Nef found himself grasping at straws to assemble a roster capable of slowing down the juggernaut known as Braelon Allen and the Panthers’ running game. Due to his questionable decision-making and cap management skills, Nef was forced to trade away his early-round picks for a handful of late-round fliers. Now, with a team full of misfits and long shots, Nef must pray that somehow, someway, these players will miraculously transform into run-stopping savants. Let’s dive into this comedy of errors and see if any of these picks have a chance at making an impact.
Round 5-7: The Offensive Linemen
Lance Heard, RT, LSU (72 OVR) – Lance might “Hear” Braelon Allen coming, but that doesn’t mean he can stop him. Too bad he won’t even be on the field to try. Grade: C-
Larry Johnson III, RT, Tennessee (72 OVR) – The third installment of the Larry Johnson franchise looks about as promising as Larry’s chances of seeing a win against the Panthers. Grade: C
Diego Pounds, LG, North Carolina (71 OVR) – With a name like “Pounds,” you’d think he’d be able to pound Braelon into submission. Unfortunately, he’ll be pounding the bench instead. Grade: C-
Sidney Fugar, C, South Carolina (70 OVR) – This Fugar might be the “Center” of attention, but he’ll be watching the center of Braelon’s jersey from the sidelines. Grade: D+
Malik Agbo, RG, North Carolina (70 OVR) – Malik “Ag-no” chance of slowing down the Panthers’ ground game, especially from the bench. Grade: D+
Samson Okunlola, LT, Miami (72 OVR) – Samson might have the strength of a biblical figure, but he’ll need more than a haircut to stop Braelon, not that he’ll get the chance. Grade: C-
Keyshawn Bilakstock, LT, Eastern Michigan (70 OVR) – Keyshawn’s stock might be “Bil-owing” in the wind, much like his chances of seeing the field against the Panthers. Grade: D+
Ethan Boyd, RT, Michigan State (72 OVR) – Ethan might be “Boyd” down by the weight of trying to stop the Panthers’ run game, but he won’t even get the opportunity. Grade: C-
Round 6-7: The Irrelevant Receivers
Adam Randall, WR, Clemson (69 OVR) – Adam might “Randall” the way down the field, but it’ll be in pursuit of his own stats, not Braelon Allen. Grade: D
Skyler Bell, WR, Wisconsin (72 OVR) – Skyler might make Nef’s heart ring, but he won’t be ringing any victory bells against the Panthers’ defense. Grade: C-
Cole Turner, WR, Georgia Tech (73 OVR) – Cole might turn some heads with his receiving skills, but he won’t be turning the tide against Braelon from the other side of the ball. Grade: C
Round 7: The Not-So-Dynamic Duo
Kaleb Jackson, HB, LSU (67 OVR) – Kaleb might be the only running back in this draft class that Nef can stop, but that’s not saying much. Grade: D-
Evan Pryor, HB, Ohio State (75 OVR) – Evan might be a “Pryor”-ity for Nef’s offense, but he won’t be a priority for stopping Braelon Allen. In fact, he might be “Pryor”-ing for mercy as he watches Allen run wild from the sidelines. Grade: C-
The Defensive “Hopes”
Bryce Steele, ROLB, Boston College (74 OVR) – Bryce might be made of “Steele,” but he’ll need to be made of something stronger to stop Braelon Allen. He might be the “Steele” curtain of Nef’s defense, but Allen will likely turn him into a shower curtain by the end of the game. Grade: C
Josiah Robinson, ROLB, Ohio (76 OVR) – Josiah might be “Robinson” the Panthers of a few yards, but not much more. He’ll need a miracle to slow down Allen. Grade: C
Aiden Fisher, LOLB, USC (68 OVR) – Aiden might be fishing for compliments, but he’ll be fishing Braelon’s cleats out of his facemask instead. Grade: D
Nick Booker-Brown, RE, UTSA (67 OVR) – Nick might book a few tackles, but he’ll mostly be browning his pants against the Panthers’ offense. Grade: D-
Nef, I commend your effort in trying to assemble a roster capable of slowing down Braelon Allen and the Panthers’ running game. However, your decision to draft a plethora of offensive linemen and receivers who won’t even be on the field when Allen is running wild is questionable at best. Your defensive picks, while admirable, are unlikely to make a significant impact against the unstoppable force that is Braelon Allen.
As for the rest of us, we can sit back, relax, and watch the carnage unfold as Braelon Allen and the Panthers’ running game steamroll their way to victory, while Nef’s offensive draftees watch helplessly from the sidelines. It’s going to be a long season, Nef. You might want to invest in some extra ice packs and a good therapist. Godspeed, my friend, godspeed. Let’s hope Micah stays healthy.
